I find it somewhat amusing (in a detached from my life kind of way) the things that trigger grief, anger and repressed emotions. Why would watching Csi Miami on a Wednesday night with my husband make me angry at the changes in our lives?
Well they had to go and jump on the e.Coli 0157 bandwagon. So as I was laughing (bitterly) at some of the mistakes they made during the show, like you don't get sick an hour after you eat. There's that whole pesky 7-10 day incubation period that interrupts t.v. show time lines. I was also getting mad about a stupid little bacteria that stole my sons ability's from him
How something so microscopic can take a two year old from this
to this over a two week period of time.
It still baffles me and makes me angry all at the same time.
Granted, there were a lot of medical mistakes made. It seems like every bad decision that could have been made, was made. But that is a different story. Crazy that it all started with that stupid e.Coli.
I wish I could get over being mad. People who know me in real life always tell me how happy I am. For the most part, I am. I believe in God. I know he has a plan. I trust in his plan. I know there is a purpose for the trials we all go through. But I'm stubborn. Part of me wants to be mad.
Colby gets worked on by a wonderful woman. She does Cranial Sacral
work on him. Recently she started doing some on me too. She always ends up back at the same spot over my heart and my left lung. She says it feels like I'm holding my breath. I laughed cause that's part of how I block pain by laughing. I've been holding my breath since John woke me up with a phone call saying they were life flighting Colby to Primary Childrens Hospital in Salt Lake City.
I've been holding my breath since the doctors said Colby had a stroke. I've held my breath with very surgery and procedure that he's had anaesthesia for. Some days I feel like I've been holding my breath for so long I've forgotten how to breath. And that's when the anger surfaces. Because under that feeling of not being able to breath is trapped a whole bunch of anger.
Anger over the mistakes, anger over the losses, anger over the changes, anger over the effect it's had on the girls and our marriage. Anger over the anger.
It's not like all the changes have been bad. Our marriage is stronger in many ways, but there is now different worries and stresses. Our biggest stress used to be finding a babysitter to go on a date. Ha seems so insignificant now. Different changes for the girls. Riley thinks this life is normal. She doesn't know any different.
Jahnna struggles with it. Yesterday was her second counseling appointment with a psychologist. A psychologist who at least acknowledged that I should be frustrated that she's telling my daughter the same things I have told her, her entire life. Her theory is that maybe if she teaches her some coping skills then she can get her anger under control. Gosh, cause I haven't tried that or read every book there is to read on helping siblings cope with traumatic events. It's only been two weeks so I'll give it a bit more time and then we'll see what to do later.
I suppose in the end anger isn't necessarily a bad thing. The pain of anger reminds me to breath. It reminds me to live. It gets me out of a funk. It makes me more proactive. The angrier I am the more therapies, studies and treatments I research. Anger keeps me from giving up on days like yesterday when I was tired and overwhelmed for no real reason. I think I'll hang onto my anger a little longer.